June 4, 2014
Why do I dream? Why do I dream about the future? Why, sometimes, do I dream about the past? Why do I dream about sex, ice cream, falling, swimming cats, running, people I love, people I don't care about,being chased or chasing? Why do I dream about loud music, bright sounds and complete silence? Why do I dream about people in my past, my current waking life and people I have never (yet) met? Why do you dream?
She appeared in my principal's office one morning without notice. Fancy and clean, a touch snobby and put together in a stylish fashion. In a way, she thought she was better than everyone else (but this is my dream and my rules). Her name was Fern Lawn and she was the new principal. The office was bright and sunny and her dark blue business suit was clean and pressed and perfectly tailored. She was here to run the show and knew exactly what she was doing. No one asked any questions. She was here to stay with her fancy mahogany matching desk set and engraved fountain pen set.
Within two months of having this dream, my current and favorite boss/principal resigned and Fern Lawn has not entered my sleeping life more than once. She is also a topic at dinner conversations and sometimes lunch.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
J.S.
January 17, 2014
He was a good soul. He was kind and he was an amazing teacher. He was a good friend. Since he has passed away, I have dreamt about him twice. This part of his story needs to be told. This story is who Jeremy really was.
I met Jeremy when I needed a friend most. I had just moved to Philly after spending 10 years in Seattle and I had not one single friend in this big dirty city. Speckles was in nursing school and I was unbelivably lonely and sad. No one knew the extent of my sadness. I never ever knew I could feel such a deep and dark level of depression and darkness. I had dark thoughts. Philly was very different from Seattle. The smells, the sounds, the people and the schools. The schools had metal detectors and security guards. I was working as a full time special education teacher between two schools. One of the schools I worked at had a principal who was terrified to leave her office. She had good reason to. She was awful. The kind of awful, that would give me aniexty attacks on the way to school and wake me up around 4:00AM on the days I had to be there. The kind of awful that still causes me anger when I think about it, but mostly, the kind of awful that reminds me that my very worst day today, would not even compare to my very "best" day at that school. The second school I worked at was very different. The staff was a lot nicer. This is where I met Jeremy. The very first day, he took me around to meet the other teachers and staff. We became friends fast. He reminded me of a professor, or more so I saw him as a being a professor one day. He was too good. Too good for this school and too good for this dirty ass city where no one gave a shit about anyone else. He was extremely intelligent but often grumpy and spent a lot of his day mumbling shit under his breath. Maybe because he was smarter than everybody else and he knew that. We sat in his classroom and talked. We played video games on the computer. We went out for lunch, often coming back late. He was a great teacher. He opened his classroom doors to everybody, students on IEPs or not, it did not matter to him. He had so many students coming in and out of his classroom, he told me he thought about looking his door, and he did, for only two days. After he unlocked his door, students continued to congregate in his room. Family Night rolled around. He and I, because we shared a caseload of students looked forward to meeting the guardians and parents of our students. As Jeremy and I talked, a parent walked in looking for Jeremy. Jeremy stepped forward to introduce himself and instead of the parent thanking Jeremy for his hard work, for supporting his child, for being a mentor.... the pissed off parent told Jeremy to stay away from his kid, reminding everybody in the room that his kid was "not special ed". Jeremy was very kind and polite about it. He was agreeable and patient. Jeremy did not mention how desperatly this kid needed a friend, guidance and support. Jeremy did not mention anything about always keeping his classroom door open for everyone. The parent walked out. This for me was one more reason to hate this city. Not Jeremy. If he ever cared, he didn't talk about it. Ever. We stayed in touch, on and off. We talked and texted. In August, I invited him up to Maine to stay with me and Speckles because I knew he was going through a rough time. He agreed it was a good idea. He talked about moving to New York and starting over. He talked about buying a house in another city. I told him Maine would be a great place to start….
He took his own life 2 weeks after our last conversation. He became an organ donor. I wonder who got his heart. Two days ago, he turned 29. Forever 29.
#1 I am walking around my old school in Philly. The halls are packed with students wearing their typical uniforms of light blue button down shirts and navy blue pants. Everybody looks the same and I am struggling through the crowded hallways looking for him. I ask everybody I see if they have seen him. I don't wait for an answer, I move on to the next person.
#2 I am laying down looking at the sky. He comes and lays down next to me. I look over at him, look away and then look at him. I am surprised to see him because I know he is gone.The very first thing I notice is his expression. He looks..angry? Sad? He says, "This sucks. It is no fun. Don't do it"
He was a good soul. He was kind and he was an amazing teacher. He was a good friend. Since he has passed away, I have dreamt about him twice. This part of his story needs to be told. This story is who Jeremy really was.
I met Jeremy when I needed a friend most. I had just moved to Philly after spending 10 years in Seattle and I had not one single friend in this big dirty city. Speckles was in nursing school and I was unbelivably lonely and sad. No one knew the extent of my sadness. I never ever knew I could feel such a deep and dark level of depression and darkness. I had dark thoughts. Philly was very different from Seattle. The smells, the sounds, the people and the schools. The schools had metal detectors and security guards. I was working as a full time special education teacher between two schools. One of the schools I worked at had a principal who was terrified to leave her office. She had good reason to. She was awful. The kind of awful, that would give me aniexty attacks on the way to school and wake me up around 4:00AM on the days I had to be there. The kind of awful that still causes me anger when I think about it, but mostly, the kind of awful that reminds me that my very worst day today, would not even compare to my very "best" day at that school. The second school I worked at was very different. The staff was a lot nicer. This is where I met Jeremy. The very first day, he took me around to meet the other teachers and staff. We became friends fast. He reminded me of a professor, or more so I saw him as a being a professor one day. He was too good. Too good for this school and too good for this dirty ass city where no one gave a shit about anyone else. He was extremely intelligent but often grumpy and spent a lot of his day mumbling shit under his breath. Maybe because he was smarter than everybody else and he knew that. We sat in his classroom and talked. We played video games on the computer. We went out for lunch, often coming back late. He was a great teacher. He opened his classroom doors to everybody, students on IEPs or not, it did not matter to him. He had so many students coming in and out of his classroom, he told me he thought about looking his door, and he did, for only two days. After he unlocked his door, students continued to congregate in his room. Family Night rolled around. He and I, because we shared a caseload of students looked forward to meeting the guardians and parents of our students. As Jeremy and I talked, a parent walked in looking for Jeremy. Jeremy stepped forward to introduce himself and instead of the parent thanking Jeremy for his hard work, for supporting his child, for being a mentor.... the pissed off parent told Jeremy to stay away from his kid, reminding everybody in the room that his kid was "not special ed". Jeremy was very kind and polite about it. He was agreeable and patient. Jeremy did not mention how desperatly this kid needed a friend, guidance and support. Jeremy did not mention anything about always keeping his classroom door open for everyone. The parent walked out. This for me was one more reason to hate this city. Not Jeremy. If he ever cared, he didn't talk about it. Ever. We stayed in touch, on and off. We talked and texted. In August, I invited him up to Maine to stay with me and Speckles because I knew he was going through a rough time. He agreed it was a good idea. He talked about moving to New York and starting over. He talked about buying a house in another city. I told him Maine would be a great place to start….
He took his own life 2 weeks after our last conversation. He became an organ donor. I wonder who got his heart. Two days ago, he turned 29. Forever 29.
#1 I am walking around my old school in Philly. The halls are packed with students wearing their typical uniforms of light blue button down shirts and navy blue pants. Everybody looks the same and I am struggling through the crowded hallways looking for him. I ask everybody I see if they have seen him. I don't wait for an answer, I move on to the next person.
#2 I am laying down looking at the sky. He comes and lays down next to me. I look over at him, look away and then look at him. I am surprised to see him because I know he is gone.The very first thing I notice is his expression. He looks..angry? Sad? He says, "This sucks. It is no fun. Don't do it"
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